In my work as an acupuncturist, I see many women in my clinic who are at various stages along their fertility journey. As they turn their attention to motherhood, a whole new world opens, one filled with cycle tracking, research, timed sex, having acupuncture, dietary changes and monitoring stress. It is very easy to become consumed with details. What begins as an exciting and hopeful time can quickly become a source of disappointment and despair.
In this article, you will see how shifting your perspective, looking at the bigger picture, letting go and learning to trust the process can help you approach this chapter of your life with more joy and less pressure.
At the heart of all this action is the stillness of becoming pregnant. Pregnancy begins in stillness, in the womb, where new life quietly takes root. It’s not something to rush into, or a box to be ticked off the ‘to-do’ list. Your mind may feel ready, but your body and spirit have some catching up to do.
Like anything, preparing for pregnancy requires some effort and letting go of your current ways of doing things – whether that’s burning the candle at both ends, skipping meals, indulging in caffeine hits or boozy weekends. As a society, we like results but get bored with process; we love to gaze at destinations but don’t have the patience to hear about the journey. We’re conditioned to strive rather than surrender. Motherhood, however, will ask of you a deep presence and selflessness.
ACTION VS INACTION
In nature, the seasons transition gradually, and so do we. Slowing down and lowering the volume on your life is the way to begin hearing what your physiology and emotions are trying to say, to attend to their needs and to dream yourself into the future you long for. In an era of exaggerated doing, where most of us are rushing, thinking, watching and scrolling ourselves away from who we really are, it requires conscious choice and a strong will to jump off the hamster wheel of action and quieten down.
Can you … Resist checking your phone? Sit quietly instead of turning on the TV? Say no to the epidemic of busyness?
At the heart of quiet is rest. Rest is not optional. The ancient traditions of Ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) understood that the masculine and feminine have different ways of replenishing our reserves and that we create in different ways too. For women, it is essential to decrease stress, action and activity before we can attempt to create something new. We produce from a rested state. This can be a tough concept for many women to accept, as modern society doesn’t give us a lot of room to recharge. When we feel depleted, we are encouraged to push through, to hurtle ourselves into a second, third or fourth wind. We may succeed, seeming to get it all done, but there is an energetic price that will always catch up with us.
MAKING ROOM
There’s no way around it. To access your creative power and potential, you must make room for rest, every single day.
In the noise of modern life, we lose something: our ability to tap into our inner wisdom, one of the great gifts of feminine consciousness. When you regularly put the brakes on doing (including thinking, worrying, planning and strategising) you start being. This will cultivate mental and emotional spaciousness, allowing you to sink into the deeper waters of who you are. Then you can tune back into that wisdom and trust the subtle signals that nature gives us. Slowing down will take some practise as you shift away from the external, action-oriented tasks to a more inward-facing focus.
It’s in this space that you can begin to dream and envision the life you are creating. This is also the time to gently examine the emotional and spiritual roadblocks that may be lingering beneath the surface.
Many of these roadblocks are tied to your beliefs, subconscious stories formed over a lifetime. Take pregnancy: perhaps you spent years avoiding it, repeating to yourself, “I can’t get pregnant.” Now that the desire has changed, those old beliefs may still be lurking in the dark recesses. Shifting these inner narratives takes time and conscious intention. These are your beliefs – the thoughts you keep thinking. They are mostly subconscious and have a huge influence on what transpires in your world.
A powerful way to rewrite them is through dreaming and visualising. Feel what it is like to be a mother. Don’t think about it, feel it. Imagine your swollen belly, the sway of your walk, the scent of your baby’s head, the warmth against your skin, the weight of them against your chest. This resonance factor is seen in traditions that encourage women who hope to become pregnant to eat foods that represent the female egg – orange segments, chicken eggs, sesame seeds and pomegranate fruit. These symbolic acts quietly tune your body to the reality you’re inviting in. They are small, potent rituals that help shift your internal frequency from avoidance to openness.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO BLOOM
Allow yourself to feel the desire for a child strongly – really feel it! Take good care of yourself, and then let it go.
Remember that your body is always in communication with nature’s rhythms – the sun and moon, light and dark and the changing seasons. Your hormones, energy and fertility all dance with these cycles. Seeing yourself as part of this larger rhythm invites awe, trust and reverence for the wisdom of nature.
Ask yourself: is your garden already flourishing, popping with energy and ready for sowing seeds? Or could a few months of tending and nourishing lead to a better growing season?
This applies to both partners. In Chinese medicine, the man’s fertility is evaluated with equal scrutiny. Rest assured, if you’re experiencing reproductive issues, you are NOT broken! There are many factors that can shift, and many ways to restore balance.
There’s no fast track to pregnancy. Outcomes can’t be controlled. But what you can do is listen to your body, trust your instincts and honour the process.
LETTING GO
Are you anxious about having difficulty becoming pregnant? Worried about giving birth? Afraid of what you might have to give up?
I often see women in my clinic who are high achievers, they are organised, in control and always striving. This is not how nature works. It does not work on deadlines. It unfolds in its own time. These women are the masters of the late-night scrolling for data to perfect the quest for conception. How long should it take? Have I consumed the exact proportion of everything and super-expensive superfoods to build the perfect human? Wait – this is taking too long – do I need intervention, experts and treatments?
Herein lies the paradox, conceiving a child involves the ability to surrender and receive. The nervous system needs to feel soothed, settled and safe to divert energetic resources to reproduction. Yet everyday life demands that women do more, be more and produce more.
In that quietness, dare yourself to be radically honest with yourself. Notice how you feel just sitting with the question. What happens in your body when you ask it? Is your heart heavy? Does your belly flip-flop? Is there tightness in your throat? Your body knows the truth before your mind can catch up.
If upon reflection, you find that you are gripping so fiercely to the dream of motherhood that it has eclipsed your ability to be peaceful and happy with what you have right now, it’s a good idea to consider loosening your grip. Creating space around the dream doesn’t mean you’re letting go of it – it means you’re making room for it to arrive, allowing for nature to organise itself. The spaciousness you generate in your mind and heart represents the softer, receptive yin qualities that we in TCM attribute to conception. Imagine cupping the dream of motherhood in your hand as if it’s a baby bird you want to protect – with a light touch and gentle trusting energy. Not squeezed tightly, not caged – just held, cupped, protected.
LIVING A FERTILE LIFE
Fertility is about so much more than what’s happening in your body. It’s about regarding your life as a landscape that you’re inviting your baby into. A fertile life is one rich with appreciation – one that values the present moment as much as the desired future. Many women get pregnant after they stop trying. WHY? Because they stop striving and start living. They release the pressure and suddenly a door opens. It may seem counterintuitive, but by shifting their laser beam focus from the dream of having a baby, they made room for the baby to come.
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears” Nelson Mandela
Cultivating a fertile life does not mean that you need to release the dream of motherhood. It’s about finding balance and creating a little room for yourself and your partner to connect, rest and daydream.
When you release the tight grip of striving, you invite possibility in. It’s no coincidence that many couples conceive naturally on holidays.
You can have a rich engagement with the life that you have now while nurturing a desire for something more. It’s a yes and yes situation – yes, I’m enjoying my life and yes, I look forward to what’s waiting around the corner for me.
About the author: Cathy Bell is an Acupuncturist and Doctor of Chinese Medicine with almost 20 years of experience. Her clinic, Yin Studio is situated in Brisbane.
www.yinstudio.com
Cathy is presenting on menopause and perimenopause at our next NHSA webinar series.